Thursday, 19 May 2016

hcg injections

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Fourteen days, 336 hours. Two weeks. To the infertility community it's 2WW or the dreaded two-week wait. It's hell, it's long, it's just how long you want the full time felt when you're in Hawaii or falling in love. My 2WW started after our first round of IVF with me on a required 72hr. bed rest, great, right? Not too simple, it let my mind wander and obsess on every twinge I felt within my nether regions. Cramps? Hmm must be implantation cramping. Note to self if I start spotting it's implantation spotting and certainly not must be confused with my period. My boobs are bigger and although most of the hormones I have been injecting into my belly sure as hell might be the reason behind the puberty like surge I am still comforted while laying during intercourse by the distinct possibility my two embryos are burrowing in and changing my body to provide baby nourishment. I pay attention to my IVF meditation tapes. My progress is punctuated by the title of the CD "Post Transfer: Week hands down the 2 Week Wait" I started with the pre-injection CD. Now at the very least 50 injections later I am hearing a peaceful voice telling me to visualize my embryos growing and strengthening. I hear my IF doctor "70% chance, these embryos are beautiful." I usually knew my husband and I will make beautiful babies. I focus on the picture we have taped to the closet door in front of me, the pictures of the 2 embryos we transferred and the 3 we froze, siblings for the 2 we have growing. I am happy with myself. We caused it to be this far and it will work. This really is all before I knew it didn't. This really is all during the 2WW that I came to discover was similar to heaven than hell because hell is knowing it failed. Because during the 2WW I believed, I felt, I lived like I was pregnant.hcg
But back to me lying in bed. I cheated once, well what I consider cheating, I continued the Internet. Which simultaneously could be the infertile women's closest friend and greatest enemy. It supports our grandiose ideas of getting pregnant, (back when we believed that meant having plenty of sex) like propping a pillow under our hips after sex to aid the sperm in traveling north. It also has stories of women drinking green tea for weeks ahead of embryo transfer, eating only leafy vegetables and wearing socks constantly because cold feet equals a cool uterus. I was reading this in June, in California, stuck during intercourse trying to angle my body closer to the AC and fan. What?? Why didn't my doctor tell me that my issues were as a result of not enough green within my diet? Shoot, what do I do now? My embryos happen to be implanting and I haven't been eating greens just like a rabbit although there is lettuce on my tostada yesterday I doubt that is what the ladies on the Internet had in mind. I understand my uterus is cold, I am hormonal I am having hot flashes and the notion of socks is about as pleasant as starting the 2WW over again. Why did I research the Internet? I'd done so well, I even avoided The Nest (read infertile girls Bible). I tell myself and ask my mother and husband to re-affirm that not just have I'd enough greens but additionally my uterus is warm and cozy enough for my growing embryos. I feel a lot better for a little while. My embryos are warm and floating in green leafy vegetables. Ok, some damage was done to my post transfer psyche but I do believe with a little help from my CDs my mind is going to be back once again to baby burrowing.hcg injections
And then bed rest was over and I entered the living, breathing world surrounded by people who had no idea my body was creating magic right then and there. It absolutely was all I could think about, all I desired to talk about. I scheduled my Beta appointment. On the 30th I'd find out I was pregnant. Just a little over weekly to go.hcg
Then I did so what most everyone told me to not do. I tested. Most of us infertile gals have an incident load of pregnancy tests left over from early days of conception or pre-diagnosis. I'd at the very least 12 still and there is a girl on The Nest (ok, I internetted more than once but I wanted confirmation that cramping was normal) that got a confident 5 days after transfer, it's Sunday and it's day 5. I break the cardinal rule and don't use my first pee of the morning. I wait the allotted time, which felt just provided that the entire two weeks. I look, it's negative. But surely your ex on the Internet was an unusual case of a confident that early. I show my husband and he confirms that it's way too early and he scolds me for cheating and he's not speaking about internetting, I'd promised I would not test. I'm bad. I'm un-pregnant. My gut informs me it's not too early, my gut informs me it's over. I wake on day 6 so that's 24 hours of increasing HCG and yes, I test again. It's still negative. I pour over every Google article reading only the ones that affirm what I pray is true, it's too early for a confident I tell myself as I start crying. It's not over, it can't be. 70% could not need turned into 30% in just a few days. I ask my husband to cover up the remaining tests. He does so gladly and I am happy with myself for not peeking when he hides them.

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